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Is there a characterization for this type of low self-esteem? Recalcitrant behavior, opposition to compliments?

As I was growing up, I was always heavily applauded by my parents. My father has a physics PhD and was accepted into Yale University. Of course, high prestige goes along with superior grades, especially with Asian cultures. Teachers and doctors alike were tremendously impressed by my intelligence when I was younger, deeming me a child prodigy. When I was younger, I was always proficient at any activity I performed and was generally well-rounded. My concerns were never to compete on a narrow track, but to do things creatively and to seek a sense of identity. As for my education, I was always learning things in short-term processes, and had little tolerance for things that took too much time. My childhood consisted of long rides to the City (NYC) and waiting on my parents during business trips bored to death. And because of huge financial difficulties, my parents work multiple jobs and have never been able to fund private lessons, tutors, or rides to outside activities. I was doomed to lack of opportunities and fell behind. I honestly feel as though there is a gap in my parents' memories, because they still regard me as always naturally being "the best." I never took that compliment to heart, especially now, because I always understood that I was never completely developed in my skills, though agile at retaining information. Without any long-term skills, such as piano playing, swimming lessons, etc, I never thought it appropriate to deem myself the best or smartest by default. However, my parents did, and still treasure all the various awards I got from middle school and before. I can't stand that my father brags about my President's award from middle school, and that doesn't help me a single bit now. Rather, him harping on that is detrimental to my self-esteem. Now, I am 18 and a high school senior and bring this up with great concern, especially seeing that my biggest weakness has been my lack of extra curricular activities (as a result of difficulty accessing them, and not developing skills early on to join music or sports groups) and my mediocre grades (essentially, BS'd my way to first honors). Studying has been an incredibly difficult task for me because of the heavy commitment of time. Usually the initial reaction people get from me is that I'm incredibly educated and well-rounded, which is funny to hear because my grades are sub-par. I spend most my time learning things outside of the curriculum. Hitting the books can literally cause me nausea. Mentors teaching me extraneous topics disappoints me, when the motive is to learn in order to brag and thus achieve superiority. Just the idea of forcing myself to learn induces opposition, and I find it hard to curb this habit. My ideal of academic delivery/presentation is mostly improvisational. In social situations, I find it hard to take a compliment. The compliments about my personality I get are generally that I'm "mysterious" and "hard to read" if the speaker is just making initial impressions. Compliments on my looks I don't take too well or pass over casually, if that helps. My friends are surprised that I'm not at the top of the class, but at the same time think I'm so reticent about grades because I'm not doing all that well. It is correct to an extent, but I actually am not too fond of using figures to judge someone's intelligence. It seems to me that throughout my childhood, I never thought I was justified as being the best, and only understood my great potential. "The cup is empty" and I am never completely satisfied with myself. I don't think this would fall under categorizations of a simple "inferiority complex" knowing that the causes of my low self-esteem has ironically, been taking good compliments. Has anyone ever even heard of anything similar? Thanks!

Public Comments

1. You have over-thought all of this. You have to remember that you and your people are only human. What you achieve academically really means nothing socially. It's all about how you get along. You should show that you have the ability to forget. Forgetting is a wonderful gift that helps us all relate to one-another. I can never really trust anyone who claims to be a know-it-all.